i've been wanting to blog about this for a long looong time now. i keep on thinking about this. on my way to school, on my way home, while eating.. every minute of everyday.
before, i never ever believed in the "no dating your friend's ex" rule. but now.. things are different.
i now realize that that rule is not really for your friend's feelings, but for your own. when you start falling for your friend's ex, you immediately know that you can never be together. because your friend will get hurt and all that. but what i didn't expect is that this rule would be for my sake. i was never insecure before. i wasn't confident, but i always knew that i never had to measure up to anybody. that i was my own person. until i fell. ever so hard, i fell. i'm so insecure, and scared, that he's just using me to get back with her. to make her jealous or something. or to use just for the sake of having someone. and also for the fear that i may never be as good as her. not as pretty as her, not as charming, not as kind, and all that. those fears never went away. they were always there.
i don't know if i had always had feelings for carl, even when they were still together. we were acquaintances, not friends. and when they broke up, i seemed to hate him a bit. even though not of it was his fault. but after a while, i came to my senses. i started to be friends with him. but still bearing on my mind that i was not going to side on him.
but on the night of her party, he was there. i knew he was coming, but i didn't expect to feel the way i did. when i saw him, i was drawn to him. like he was some sort of magnet. until now, i still can't explain it. we had always communicated before, but now very often. and he would always start the conversation, and it would always be through chat. but that night, was different. he went to our place first, almost standing beside me. he knew only me and my friends there, but there were no more vacant seats. he sat next to anne instead, in the table next to us. after eating, me and another friend sat next to him. we started to chat him up. it seemed like random babbling, but it was endless. then, he told us that he wanted to leave. we asked him not to just yet, but there was no stoping him. we came with him to the lobby, waiting for a cab to pick him up. and when it came, it was clearly time to say goodbye. oddly enough, i almost expected a hug but there was nothing. we went back to the party after that. then i found myself asking for his number, and started texting him. until the minute i reached our house, i was texting him. he replied fast enough for me to maintain a constant feeling of happiness. this happened during the summer vacation, and up to know we still communicate. we see each other, but always in secret. it was so hard. i didn't want rachelle to notice. he always asked if we could hang out, but i would always say no, partly due to our conflicting schedules. eon was convinced that there was something brewing up between me and carl, and i guess i was too. but one night, i had managed to force the truth out of him. he told me that he still loves her, feelings unchanged. it hurt, yes. but to hear the truth gave me a sense of peace. he texted me one night, catching me in a very very bad mood. i became mean to him, almost vicious. he asked anne almost instantly if i was mad at him. of course she knew why i was so mean, so she explained it all to him. the next day, he asked me if was better. and i was, so i apologized. and it was back to normal again. then we had another fight. we had met earlier in the day, and he texted me in the afternoon why i was where i was. i was pissed, i hated those types of questions. i simply do, no reason at all. i wasn't mean, but i was.. emotionless. he was startled, i could tell. he joked around, asking me if i was on drugs. i said something, forgot what it was, then he never replied. he asked anne, of course, what happened. even she couldn't explain. the next day, he didn't greet me good morning like he always did. i was scared of course, then eon used my phone to text him. and he was angry at me, no doubt. i could never forget what he said, "that's the problem with her. she gets mad for no reason at all." it stung me, so much. after a day, we eventually patched things up. i thought i could push him away, for both our sake. but i couldn't. the more i pushed him away, the more i yearned for him. when he seems away, i could never keep still. so i decided i would just keep him where he is, near. no matter what the consequences would be. i know that i could never make him fall for me, and even if i managed to do that.. it would be wrong, on so many levels and so many ways.
let go of my quill at 1:02 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, May 09, 2008
but i can't spell it out
For Ms. Olga and Ms. Patty, please pm me in multiply if you want your free customized lay out :) i am now currently working on Ms. Marcela Sotto's lay out :)
So i was reading this book, Diamonds & Daisies. It's very nice, i recommend it :) I remember being with someone who rarely showed emotion. Actually, he never did. Moving on, i remember how it felt guessing how someone felt about you. That relationship was just full of insecurities, and i guess that's why it ended. I just never knew how he felt, if it was real or not. I couldn't take it. I had wanted to feel safe :( And now, we're not even friends. Just strangers in the hallway. But I know that it most definitely was not my loss :)
Ugh, i just hate writing about it. So i never will. Never again.
Let us focus on the good things in life. Like life with jp :)
So i had a dream about him. Again. It was a very very nice dream, as always. But i'll keep it to myself, for now :) So every five minutes, i check my fone for messages, and i always always see his name. You do know what that means? :) They're just random quotes. I'll bet that every single person in his phonebook receives every single message that i do. Doesn't matter. The fact that when i lost my fone, he immediately called my house to ask why i didn't reply to his message. Puzzling, i never reply to his messages. HAHA! He must have already found out, from one of our common friends, that some idiot stole my fone that day. So i told him the whole story. He asked for my number *giggles* but sadly, i couldn't give it to him. Know why? Because i still hadn't memorized my new number :) Instead, take note, he GAVE me his number so i could text him using my new one :) Isn't that dandy? :)
let go of my quill at 7:33 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
it's true :)
so i've been reading a couple of blogs. all of them are about true-to-life love stories. i'm such a sucker for those a kind of stuff :) i got really inspired, so i decided to share some of my true-to-life stories. of course, i've got a lot of them.. but these are some of the best :) enjoy!
so there USED TO BE this guy, jp. we used to be classmates back in high school. some of the best stories come from high school, don't they? :) first, we were classmates during our sophomore year. that's where we became friends. but we weren't that close. then, we became classmates (again) during our senior year. that's when we really got close :) really really good friends. so there was this time, when i had a conflict with my family. i felt like he was all i had because all my other friends didn't seem to care. anyways, jp spent the whole day with me. watching me cry, comforting me, giving me the biggest bear hugs, giving me piggy-back rides, stuff like that. but the best part is, jp never knew about the conflict. i loved every moment of it. writing it here, it doesn't seem too romantic. but whenever i look back on the times we shared, it's just a bliss. i can't even come up with the right words to explain it. it just seems like there is no word to define.. how it felt :) there are just these things he does, things he say.. that seem so right. we're friends, and that's good enough for me. i couldn't ask for more :) there were those little things.. that always seemed to make my day. here's another dialogue for you :)
scene: this was the day after of graduation ball. i went to the mall to have a couple of drinks with my friend erin. we were talking about the graduation ball..
Erin: you left early..
Me: had to. my feet were killing me. haha!
E: mine too. i just sat around after you left..
E: talked with jp a bit..
M: really? what did you guys talk about?
E: you.. mostly.
M: what about me?
*erin relates her and jp's conversation*
E: why the long face?
J: *SHE* left already..
E: she said bye though..
J: yeah she did..
*back to my conversation with erin*
M: i don't get it.
E: he misses you
E: plain and simple.
M: he should've said something..
E: like what?
M: i don't know..
E: but he should..
so here's what i have to say. upon hearing the conversation erin had with jp.. that night just became one of the most memorable nights of my life :) he may have not said what i wanted to hear, but in a way.. i felt what he had to say. makes sense? :) i remember back in high school, jp and i would try to squish ourselves into this tiny chair.. just so we can really sit next to each other :)
then. there's this other guy.. marlowe. another high school character :) he was also a classmate of mine during our senior year. and let me tell you, he really irritated me. haha! but the more he irritated me, the more i seemed to like him. of course, it wasn't hard to like someone who is always bothering you :) sitting next to you, smelling your hair, greeting you, trying to cure your wound (literally!).. stuff like that. to add to that, he was the first to talk to me. i had always ignored him. soon enough, people started to think that he liked me. and i did too. how could i not? :) at that time though, i loathed the very core of him. i always said mean things to him. he always seemed to test my patience. and mind you, my patience is very short. at first, i would politely smile at him, at things he did, and at things he said. but as time passed, i couldn't take it anymore. he was just too buggy! but he didn't seem to mind that i was pissed. i think that he even found it funny, and i think it sort of is :) then, we had a fight. ironically though, i had already developed a sort of crush on him. it was hard. i was putting on a front, ego taking over. but eventually, we made up. i was glad, too glad. one day, he asked me to introduce him to my friend kat. soon enough, he started courting her. and it hurt. i had to see them together each and every waking moment. but she led him on. he got over it, eventually. and now, we're all friends :) he's had many girlfriends since then, but he still flirts. with me, occasionally. i try to ignore it, and i do. he makes me laugh, but that's all. all of my friends suspect that he really does like me.. but i think otherwise :) but there was this one time. while i was getting my stuff from my locker, he was standing behind me. when i turned around, not knowing that he was behind me, his face was inches away from mine. and the funny thing is, we only moved after about 5 mins. he even said, while still facing each other, "too bad. we almost kissed." haha :)
so those are my stories. hope you like them :)
if you could onlu experience them the way i did, you would be speechless.. to say the least :)
let go of my quill at 9:25 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, May 05, 2008
feeling this strong
* allison's fone vibrates *
the screen flashed: 1 NEW MESSAGE.
it's from carlos.
rushing to read the message, allison thinks to herself "good thing the professor decided not to show up today."
"i'm in front of your building, come down." he orders.
"ok :)" she obeys. what can she do, he's too charming..
upon spotting the bouquet, allison dazes off into a daydream..
but immediately snaps back to reality ;)
A: ooh, flowers!
A: who are those for?
C: they might be for you.
C: maybe.
A: maybe?
C: why.. do you want them?
C: maybe you don't.
C: i'll just give it to someone else..
allison couldn't help but smile :)
A: suit yourself.
A: i'm going back up. bye!
C: wait!
allison's smile is widening. carlos chases her then grabs her arm..
A: what?
C: i'll come with you..
A: are you crazy?!
A: you'll be late for your next class!
C: i'll just suck up to my professor.
A: whatever..
the guard was watching, he couldn't help but laugh in amusement.
as allison was climbing up the stairs, carlos rushes to her side, panting heavily due to exhaustion..
C: can you slow down for a minute?!
A: i am slowing down!
C: well slow down some more!
A: can't you bother somebody else?!
at that note, allison speeds up the stairs and finally reaching her floor. by the time carlos had caught up with her, she was already reaching for the doorknob of her classroom..
C: allison wait!
A: what now?!
C: i guess.. no i think..
A: what?!
C: i can give these flowers to you..
C: *putting on his most charming smile* if you don't mind...
A: *now calm, and smiling* well why didn't you just do this instead of going through all this trouble?
C: because i wanted to go through all this trouble, to be with you.. even like this..
and this leads to a speechless allison :)
C: aren't you going to say anything?
A: i don't know what to say..
C: well for a start, you can say "thanks for the flowers carlos"
A: oh yeah, thanks..
A: i love them..
C: i love you too..
C: oh sorry, what i meant to say is i love them too..
A: what a shame..
C: huh?
A: because i love you as well :)
- sorry if it's crappy, i'm working on it :)
let go of my quill at 11:26 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
let it all out
i changed the lay out of this blog. the previous lay out was too sad, full of negativity. i want to change that, i want to make it full of hope and joy :) the earlier posts here are too emo, too sad. i guess that when i was writing those things, i crestfallen. heartbroken. but here's what i think..
the reason why most of us consider ourselves as heartbroken is because by being in a sad state of mind, we feel that things can only get better. but we're wrong. things can always get worse, and they will. i believe that happiness is a state of mind. maybe the one we love doesn't love us back. what can we do? what we can do is keep moving on with our lives and know that the world will still turn no matter what. life is short. we have to live our lives to the fullest. sure, there will always be heartaches. we can't always pretend that they're not there when they really are. we have to face them with all might, cry for a while.. and then get on with our lives. the truth is that people will never meet our expectations, they will always disappoint us in a way. the best thing we can do is to not expect, and to just hope. as for me, my heart is not yearning for anyone in particular right now. and i'm happy. i think that's because, i am just letting things be and just waiting. waiting. the best is yet to come. always remember that. you'll never know what the BEST is if you haven't encountered the WORST. for us hopeless romantics, we will always dream of what we think is ideal. we will dream of different scenarios, and different people. and that's just it.. DIFFERENT. our dreams will never be the same. all i can say is that if we keep dreaming of the same person in the same scenario, it's got to mean something :) i'm no expert, but i've been through a lot. i've been hurt by someone, and i've also hurt someone. that's the way it is for everyone. just remember that whenever you break someone's heart, whether intentionally or not, what it felt like when your heart was broken. i remember being all giddy and flippy over someone i barely knew. and when i remember how a simple "hi!" made me smile, i become all giddy and flippy all over again. i guess what matters the most is not the person, but how this person makes you feel. and for those who aren't being treated right by their special someone, i have something to say to you. i know that numerous people have told you this numerous times, but i will still say it to you. if they're not treating you right now, they never will. probably, they'll change for a while, but they will surely return to their old habits. they will never change, unless you do. show them that if they don't treat you right, you can easily leave them not only because you don't need people like them in your life, but BECAUSE YOU CAN :) trust me, this i know for a fact. but i think that this is the most important advice i can give you. WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE THAT YOU'LL WAIT FOR THEM, WAIT FOR THAT PERSON AND THAT PERSON ONLY. and when you decide that you no longer want to wait, please let them know. they'll get hurt, but they'll get over it. based on experience, nothing is more painful than expecting a warm welcome and getting a cold shoulder instead :(
"there are 2 worlds. the one we live in and the one we dream about. the challenge is not to choose between these worlds, but to make them meet."
- i hope that somehow, i have inspired or helped you. all i wanna say is more power to us hopeless romantics :)
let go of my quill at 10:24 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
What We All Deserve
Boy: You seem happy..
Boy: Are you?
Girl: I think i am..
Boy: That's good to hear..
Boy: You deserve to be happy.
Girl: We all do.
Girl: Even jerks who break hearts.
Boy: Like me?
Girl: Possibly.
Boy: Do i deserve to be happy with you?
Girl: You do..
Girl: You always did.
Girl: And you always will.
:)
let go of my quill at 8:45 AM
0 knights in shining armor
______________________________________________________________________________________
