i've been wanting to blog about this for a long looong time now. i keep on thinking about this. on my way to school, on my way home, while eating.. every minute of everyday.
before, i never ever believed in the "no dating your friend's ex" rule. but now.. things are different.
i now realize that that rule is not really for your friend's feelings, but for your own. when you start falling for your friend's ex, you immediately know that you can never be together. because your friend will get hurt and all that. but what i didn't expect is that this rule would be for my sake. i was never insecure before. i wasn't confident, but i always knew that i never had to measure up to anybody. that i was my own person. until i fell. ever so hard, i fell. i'm so insecure, and scared, that he's just using me to get back with her. to make her jealous or something. or to use just for the sake of having someone. and also for the fear that i may never be as good as her. not as pretty as her, not as charming, not as kind, and all that. those fears never went away. they were always there.
i don't know if i had always had feelings for carl, even when they were still together. we were acquaintances, not friends. and when they broke up, i seemed to hate him a bit. even though not of it was his fault. but after a while, i came to my senses. i started to be friends with him. but still bearing on my mind that i was not going to side on him.
but on the night of her party, he was there. i knew he was coming, but i didn't expect to feel the way i did. when i saw him, i was drawn to him. like he was some sort of magnet. until now, i still can't explain it. we had always communicated before, but now very often. and he would always start the conversation, and it would always be through chat. but that night, was different. he went to our place first, almost standing beside me. he knew only me and my friends there, but there were no more vacant seats. he sat next to anne instead, in the table next to us. after eating, me and another friend sat next to him. we started to chat him up. it seemed like random babbling, but it was endless. then, he told us that he wanted to leave. we asked him not to just yet, but there was no stoping him. we came with him to the lobby, waiting for a cab to pick him up. and when it came, it was clearly time to say goodbye. oddly enough, i almost expected a hug but there was nothing. we went back to the party after that. then i found myself asking for his number, and started texting him. until the minute i reached our house, i was texting him. he replied fast enough for me to maintain a constant feeling of happiness. this happened during the summer vacation, and up to know we still communicate. we see each other, but always in secret. it was so hard. i didn't want rachelle to notice. he always asked if we could hang out, but i would always say no, partly due to our conflicting schedules. eon was convinced that there was something brewing up between me and carl, and i guess i was too. but one night, i had managed to force the truth out of him. he told me that he still loves her, feelings unchanged. it hurt, yes. but to hear the truth gave me a sense of peace. he texted me one night, catching me in a very very bad mood. i became mean to him, almost vicious. he asked anne almost instantly if i was mad at him. of course she knew why i was so mean, so she explained it all to him. the next day, he asked me if was better. and i was, so i apologized. and it was back to normal again. then we had another fight. we had met earlier in the day, and he texted me in the afternoon why i was where i was. i was pissed, i hated those types of questions. i simply do, no reason at all. i wasn't mean, but i was.. emotionless. he was startled, i could tell. he joked around, asking me if i was on drugs. i said something, forgot what it was, then he never replied. he asked anne, of course, what happened. even she couldn't explain. the next day, he didn't greet me good morning like he always did. i was scared of course, then eon used my phone to text him. and he was angry at me, no doubt. i could never forget what he said, "that's the problem with her. she gets mad for no reason at all." it stung me, so much. after a day, we eventually patched things up. i thought i could push him away, for both our sake. but i couldn't. the more i pushed him away, the more i yearned for him. when he seems away, i could never keep still. so i decided i would just keep him where he is, near. no matter what the consequences would be. i know that i could never make him fall for me, and even if i managed to do that.. it would be wrong, on so many levels and so many ways.
let go of my quill at 1:02 AM
0 knights in shining armor
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